So far from where I feel like I should be.

Do you ever feel that way? I don't say it in a depressing, "I think I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being, so you must pity me and tell me how great I am" kind of way, just stating a fact. I wonder sometimes how I'll be able to get closer to the person I want to be.
This all stemmed from that chance I had to attend General Conference for the second Sunday session, and Elder Foster gave that amazing talk about mothers. I bawled nearly the whole way through. My friend Ben was sitting next to me, and put his hand on my back and said, "Aw Rachie, it's ok." I looked at him and with tears streaming down my face, I whole-heartedly said, "Benny, I'm scared to be a mom." Frankly, I am scared to be a mom. I'm terrified. Not only because I am some day going to house a growing fetus inside of me that in 9 months has to come out, but because I am so far from where I feel like I should be. The way that I spend my time, the shortcomings I have, and the lack of responsibility I possess even for myself show me how far I have to go. I will be a terrible mother if I carry on like this.
I'm not a bad person. I don't make terrible decisions. But I want to be stronger. Less lazy. More committed. I'm working on it. Get back to me in 10 years. I'll let you know how it's going.